For Niko

Nikolas Jesus Aguirre (May 9, 1990-May 8, 2008), my blue-eyed son, had strength of character and courage—not enough to defy gravity—but enough to wow his family and friends. His death left a gaping dark hole in our lives. Attempting to find meaning in his death, I stumbled upon the mandolin, and the healing power of music. I decided to carry on Nik’s legacy by pretending I had his courage; I was able to learn how to play the mandolin, banjo, fiddle, guitar, uke, bones, bodhran, mountain dulcimer and hammer dulcimer. Eventually, I started writing songs, which has helped me trudge through the perilous path of grief. Blue Wings is about that journey. I miss you Niko. Everyday.

Wedding Bells

I remember DaNae twirling in the grass, her eyes shimmering a blue green, fluctuating between sky and ground. I remember our smidget midget—3-pounds 14 ounces—a baby so small that her dad, Bobby Jesus, drove all the way to Tacoma to buy her doll clothes because nothing else would fit.

Her birthday, May Day, is tainted with blood, as Bobby died in a car accident on May 2, a day after her fifth birthday, and her beautiful blue eyed brother, Nikolas Jesus, followed his father’s automobile tracks and died on May 8, a day before his 18^th birthday.

After Nik died, well meaning friends would approach DaNae and ask her how I was, effectively placing DaNae in a no-win situation. It didn’t seem to dawn on them that DaNae had lost her only sibling, her baby brother, the child she had spent her entire life with. DaNae and Nik played soccer, had classes, and didn’t practice the piano together; they challenged each other, fought each other, and loved each other. They were shadows. The well-meaning friends didn’t recognize that DaNae was in terrible pain, confusion, denial, guilt, and of course, suffering from thoughts of “why him and not me?”

DaNae felt like she had no one to communicate with, that she had become the lost child, the sibling without a sibling, an only child through unfortunate and ugly circumstance. After the first couple of weeks, I was able to see through my heavy coat of grief, and was able to reach out to her, and together, we walked across the precarious bridge, searching for a new life, a life that didn’t include Nik.

But DaNae, a young lady that likes gloomy days and would never say, “Sunshine, anyone?” is tired of singing the blues, even if they’re accompanied by a uke. She lifted her anchors of grief, and stepped into freedom and proposed (drum roll) to Ryan, a fine young man that treats DaNae like a king, on her birthday. Ryans intelligent, so of course he said yes.

DaNae always dreamed that Nik would one day walk her down the aisle and give her away. She has adjusted her vision, and decided that she will walk down the aisle by herself. I think differently. I see two angels, her father and her brother, leading her down that aisle.